in this hour of solitude

2005-08-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

It’s always give and take. When we were young and squabbling with our siblings over candies, crying over small things and throwing tantrums here and there, it might have seemed that we were too protected, that we were not exposed to the harsh realities of the world. But then, we lived under the pretext of being a child, hence we had no obligations to uphold any responsibilities or societal pressures. I still vividly remember the times when we played on the playground, implored our parents for little chocolates and giggling over holding hands in kindergarden. Then, it was so simple, so pure and so blissfully joyful. As we grow older and scale up that dreadful ladder of age, there seems to be a seemingly greater gravity pulling us down, forces that we never once encounter, forces that were foreign to us. As we achieve and mature in our teenage years, we do gain freedom, we do gain recognition but we lose the capability to enjoy life without worrying, to be contended with the barest supplies nature entails us with. Now, its different. Competition, ambition and peer pressure have such a cumulative effect that I often feel overwhelmed, suffocated.

Yesterday, during the wee hours, hanyun and I were talking over msn while waiting for that huge file to finish transferring. Then, I felt this huge surge of dread and trepidation. Looking at her thinking about decisions so important made me worry about my own future, about my own plans a few months down the road. There are so many choices, yet every choice has boundless opportunities, but as you wander down the road of one, you can never turn back. Tempting doors that open to you are also the devilish doors that allow no regrets. At a tender age of sixteen, how are we going to make such decisions. How can we possibly prognosticate the future, how can we know for sure that we are making the right choices. It’s so hard and tough and yet we have to make one.

We were pondering about whether we should take humanities and attain the humanities scholarship. It’s especially hard for hanyun because she’s so good in almost everyday and she does excel in her sciences. Moreover, we aren’t exposed to literature much and that does worry many of us. Just five minutes ago, my mother was telling me stories of how they endured the years in universities in England. It’s frightening, to think that I have to go through the exact same process, that long wait on the train as it thunder past you, the cultural shock we will experience, the long train of faces that you don’t recognize, the long hours of loneliness and fear for the future. The very idea of being away from family and the very idea of being independent and thrown into a situation that forces you to think on your feet alone is so frightening, I don’t want to be in such a position, whereby you have to shoulder all that responsibilities and yet worry about monetary issues and your studies. I want education to be fun, to be worry-free, to be simple. However, that will only happen in my dreams because in this realm of competivitiy, simplicity is no longer a virtue, it can only be a form of unattainable perfection and idealism.

Well, I really need to cherish the days and the minutes that tick past. I want to hold tight to those kites of pure joy, to those little sampans of vintage Singapore, to those little memories of past and present.

I want to hold on to a sea-gull and fly across the vast oceans and sweep past the mountains and hills, to be free and easy, to ride high on the clouds of simplicity and pure joy.

I wish

2005-08-16T06:23:00.000-07:00

How I wished I could be perfect. How I wished I could be like somebody else, indulging in all their loveliness, parked in the center of the universe, being loved and loving in return. How I wish my dreams would come true, that one day we could rid life of its complexities and its nuances that make life all the more complex.

How I wish we could let our inner child grasp control, let it run free and wild, into the wildest jungles, into the darkest seas. How I wish we could lose our facades, to stay firm and true to our beliefs, to not be swayed to conform to social pressures, to never succumb to temptations. How I wish I could be perfect, unmarred by all the flaws in my character; to be respected; to be acknowledged; be recognized.

While we climb up life's ladder of ambition, it seems that the going gets too tough. It seems almost impossible to look back, to peer down at the masses of land below. As we climb higher, achieving successes, braving obstacles and negotiating the bends in the road, it's as if we lose our friends, we lose the ties that we once built, we lose our inner self and we lose our basic humanity and our respect for the sanctity of life.

What exactly is life all about. Should we measure life by the amount of success we achieved or the number of medals in the cabinet on the shelf at home or should we measure life by the number of hours we cherished and the amount of valuable time we spent with our loved ones.

Is life really all about going all out, to challenge your greatest dreams and be that final winner in the race of all sorts. Is life really about materialistic success or achievements. Then again, life would have been meaningless in the paucity of its restraints and its limitations. We should not channel all our energies on the tangible achievements and medals we achieve, neither should we ignore all and be contented with the bare basics that nature supplies us with.

Without challenges, without obstacles, we are no longer appreciating life, we are instead taking life for granted. I always wonder when we die, what goes down with us. Our achievements? Our humanity side of you? Our care and love for others? Our personal relationship with others. When hordes of people attend our funeral, what would be the thoughts embedded in tinges of grief that flickers in their minds. Would they really list down all that we've accomplished?

If that is so, i often ask myself, what have we become, if all that a person can compliment is is efficient and successful, then our lives are wasted. A robot can take our place, an automaton can accomplish all that we can. In this realm of technology, efficiency just does not have its supremacy tag anymore.

When I die one fine day, when people come by to send me on that last road home, I wish they would remember me for my values, for my personal touch and the due respect that I've earned.

Theres so much more to life than success for without the bare essentials, we have lost the basic ability than babies have: to love, cherish and care.

ugly

2005-07-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes close proximity makes me feel so disillusioned. I still remembered how naïve I was to think that in this realm where competition thrives, best friends still existed. I naively thought that the spirit of brotherhood and the essence of true friendship would overcome all odds and finally break through as a success. As every day ticks past, I now believe that best friends never exist, because some day he or she will make you heart-broken, will commit sins that you never envisioned of. As people know each other better, it’s as if ignorance is bliss as behind that façade of niceness and sweet words, many nuances of competition, jealousy and motive-driven actions seem to tear down that friend you once loved. You understand her weaknesses so well that whenever that gray area rises up, you feel choked by that sense of frustration, irritation and despair as a friend. For me, I’ve just chosen to keep quiet, let all that bottled up feelings swell up in me. It’s been eons since I last exploded, but somehow I know that the next is impending. The past six months, I’ve felt a mixture of disgust, annoyment, happiness and a wide array of emotions, new-found and raw emotions. I sometimes wonder why competition is so important, is there a need to constantly repeat a person’s weakness for the selfish sake of boosting one’s ego. Is there a need to say “see I told you so” whenever someone makes a mistake”. Is there a need to compare about everything and everything. It’s tiring, to follow each other down that endless journey of competition. Why cant a friendship be built on genuine trust, why cant a friendship be based on admiration and not jealousy, why must a friendship be an endless struggle for power and acceptance. It’s time to keep a distance, it’s time to runaway, to relish the naked but real freedom of being oneself. I’m losing my cool.

birthday fiesta

2005-07-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

Its been a helluva of a rollercoaster ride for this week and many weeks to come. My schedule is really packed, with co schedules, geog sia, birthday presents and many other commitments. But, through this few days, Ive come to realise how much time Ive wasted doodling on insignificant tasks instead of prioritising my time.

Maybe this busyness, this hectic lifestyle has been a blessing in disguise. When it dawned upon me that someone was actually backstabbing me and hurling libelous comments, I was rather disheartened. The worst thing is that such egregious comments are said behind my back, not to my face. Anonymity does great wonders, it acts like a potion that will spur people and inspire them to have carte blache in whatever and however they sprout comments about other people. Sometimes, I really wonder if this anonymity that people hide behind is actually positive? I doubt so. Increasingly, just like the proliferation of blogs, this freedom of speech has been twisted in so many forms that its almost uncountable. While people grasp this anonymity with much pleasure, it is a double edged sword indeed. When people wield this sword, it might give them the freedom and space to vent all the anger on a person but it might permanently and severely tarnish her reputation. As the Chinese saying goes “shui luo shi chu”, it is inevitable that the truth would prevail one day. When the person realizes that all the smiles and friendly gestures are just facades behind an evil heart, it is no doubt that she will no longer treat her as a friend. Moreover, people around them, close friends, acquaintainses will soon come to know about this unfortunate incident. If that is the case, who will eventually be the lasting victim? The wielder definitely. She will soon be notorious for her actions, blacklisted for her disloyalty and looked down upon for her despicable actions. Hence, I really wonder what would motivate and inspire someone to do so? Is it really beneficial for one? Are there other avenues to let out your deepest emotions? Is using anonymity as a venting mechanism really essential? I think not.

True friends stab you in the front. Indeed.

Busy shopping for gifts now.i owe so many people gifts and its high time I return them. Top on my list would be aud, juniors, Kevin, sam and Nicole. Tell me what you guys want k. DON’T SAY ANYTHING. It’s not the best answer. Love you all. Looking forward.

life's circumstances

2005-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Continuation of the last post. Sometimes it takes extreme conditions to showcase the true and deepest love you have for a person. More often than not, we treat our mothers like slaves sometimes, maybe not to that extent. But sometimes, the way we treat outsiders and the way we treat our mother is vastly different, so much so that I often wonder who is the more important person, who is the person who is integral to your life, who is the person who have nurtured you from young, gave you life and gave you the knowledge to venture into the outside world. Ironically, we often disregard their presence because we perceive them as familiar faces and we know deep down that they love and care for us, hence we feel that it’s okay to throw tantrums because after all, they wouldn’t be offended. In this way, familiarity would then carry this negative notion of disrespect, whereby under the pretext of familiarity, we perceive throwing tantrums and ordering them about as alright. However, should we take advantage of their love and care? Shouldn’t we treat our parents better than the outsiders? When we go for parties and socialise, when someone issues you a biting remark that is overtly offensive, would we holler at them or throw tantrums at them? I don’t think so. Reputation, image and etiquette have obstructed us from doing so. When we attend lessons and someone interrupts your train of thought and pops a question now and then, would you scream at them and say in that irritated tone “I’m a very busy person, period”. Would you? I don’t think so. Again, at the frontiers separating the different attitude, would then be our mindset and our ideologies. I always wonder what defines a good character. For me, a good character would be one that displays good traits consistently and effortlessly. If we are able to code-switch, to be nasty to our families and sweet, albeit forced, to the outsiders, we do not posses a good character. Rather, we have the so-called “socially engineered” trait. And that is something to be questioned about. When human beings like us declare evolutionary change, have we done so? Economically and socially, maybe. But what about physiologically ? Have we changed for the better on a personal basis. If I were to be honest to myself, I would say an out-right no. Throwing tantrums. Guilty. Being irritated. Guilty. Showing the charcoal face. Yet again.

From eons ago, I always feel this surge of emotions rushing through me when my parents return home late and their handphones are switched off. Moments of terror and panic would engulf my mind, paranoia would then be the next occupant. Images of bodies lying in murky waters or severe injuries and all sorts of images of mishaps would then flash past. I would then pray fervently, telling all the gods and deities that I would be a good girl if they were to ensure the safety of my family, wishing that they were back home, hoping that no harm would descend upon them. Then there would be silence, horrible gripping silence. I would then listen to any sound of the lift door and jump whenever the lift passes the floor. My heart would then sink time after time. This would then continue until their return. And if I were to trace these feelings, scary and unusual for a person like me, I would then understand my innermost feelings for my family members. I would then understand the love I feel for them, the utmost fear that I would lose them, the pure delight at seeing them home, safe and sound. Sometimes, we need these little moments tinged with fear and apprehension to startle us to think about and really ponder about how we should treat our parents. Afterall, they are indeed the pillars of our lives. I love you mummy, daddy and sistah. Muack!

Power of Words

2005-06-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes consolations and comforting words just mean nothing. All the jargon about “take care” “smile” “love you” “huggie” and countless of other expressions really mean nothing at times. In some sort of way, it is a sort of escapade for both true friends and surface friends. For surface friends, just to show that they do care to get rid of the notion that they aren't supportive and hence unloyal friends. Hence, they would then use these words and shower them all the time. Effective? No. Especially when we grow older, we mature and we can see through all these fake expressions, that these phrases are easy to say, too easy in fact, so much so that people use it for everything and everything, making it lose its sincerity, losing its magic touch. For real friends, it's often the case of not knowing what to say, not understanding the actual scenario, not wanting to cause anymore hurt or displeasure, not aggravating the situation. However, are these phrases necessary? Sometimes it's hard to give a definite answer. But, looking at perspectives, I would say no. it's not needed, there are so many alternatives and if one is sincere enough, she or he would think of other more meaningful ways to brighten up your friend's life, to bring life to a person's soul. One alternative would be hugging, but yet again, it wouldn't work if that person isn't comfortable with body contact. So how then? When you meet a friend like that, the best way is to just be reticent, rid all the sweet but meaningless sentences, talk to her normally, as if nothing happened, but if she or he opens up, be sensitive and lend your shoulder. It's as simple as that. Sometimes when someone is in tough times, it would be best to let them be, to let them think deep and thorough, to let them recover and to let them have that much needed peace and quiet.

So how exactly do we draw a line between sincere comments and fake ones? It's anybody guess. I guess the most accurate one would be to feel and sense with your heart. That way your innermost soul will tell you which are your true friends and which is your special someone. Hope you’re feeling better. Everyone has true friends girl. Let time lead the way for it will heal and rejuvenate the body, the mind and the soul. Voila!

savour all your friendships

2005-06-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

If I would ever need to relate friendship to an object, it would definitely be a candle. In some sort of way, it eerily reminds me of a burning candle with wafting fragrance and a kind of deep-set mentality that everything good does have an end. Sad but it's life. Friendships are just like candles. Small yet significant, tiny yet bright. They are of utmost importance to a person, it affects everything and everything, just like how candles can affect a person. When it burns away, we all know deep down that at some point of time, at some sort of climax, it would soon burn down to ashes, gone forever. However, as it burns, it might give off a aroma or a scent that would refresh your soul and make one feel rejuvenated or even to the extent of feeling alive. Similarly, friendship is just like a candle to one's soul, the path to goodness, the only guiding ray of light in the oceans vast and wide, the morning coffee that brightens up your day and the spa treatment that gives you that pampered feeling. However, it is very fragile or vulnerable in that sense. With a little drop of water or a gush of wind, the light might soon extinguish. In a flash, all the happy times and the moments of magic spent together has died down to yet another memory packed in the mind, yet another friendship story playing in the background, yet another end to a lifetime of joy and pure bliss. At that juncture, feelings of anguish, regret and maybe grief would engulf the mind, feelings of lost would then take over, followed by a series of emptiness as if something is amiss, as if something is missing in your life. Sometimes, friendships can be yet another tragedy, just like the candle breaking into half, forever broken, never to be pieced back again. It can be the needles that prick your heart, it can the headache behind your mind, it can be the brewing storm that is impending, or it can be the perpetual toothache that is throbbing. It manifest itself in a gamut of forms, too many to be said, too many to be talked about. Friendship will end at some point, just like a candle. Be careful with it, cherish it before it's too late. For when a candle is extinguished, it may never light up again.

Hey yumin, I hope youre feeling better. Didnt know what happened actually, just sensed that u were in a lousy mood. Hey babe, if you ever need support, just tell us k. dont keep it all bottled up inside you, because sometimes you would feel worse. Share the burden. Spread the spirit. Smile.

character

2005-06-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

when i'm sick and bored with nothing to do, my mind always starts to wonder. in my perspective, there are five types of people in this world, comprising of different people with different character traits.

the first kind being:
the silent majority: those who rather not be heard lest problems occur. these kind of people would go through life with minimal number of enemies but then, life for them would be boring and mundane. sometimes i would often envy this group of people, how they are entirely safe and forever peaceful and in harmony. but, if i were to choose, i would never ever want a no-risk life. well, life's about having fun anyway.

the reticent bunch: i would dare say that my present class does not have anybody who would belong to type one, but i would say that there are people who belong to the reticent bunch. these people only speak when spoken to. they elaborate and might even add a tinge of jokes here and there, but they will only show their fun side WHEN SPOKEN TO. in more explicit terms, this group of people would then be the "deceptive" bunch. dont judge a book by its cover would then be my advice for myself.

the "mid-tone" throng: these kind of people are the most common i realised. but for me, they are the least predictable and the most frightening and sometimes shocking group of people. since they can switch between the talkactive mode and the sombre mood pretty fast, it's like surfing. you either ride on the wave or stumble. hence, we have to make wise choices when talking to this bunch of people. no doubt, they are highly fun to be with and are masters in juggling work and fun. however, these kind of people might have gray areas pertaining to less pleasant traits like jealousy and a crafty disposition. (taken from msn astrology). they can make friends as well as gain enemies. rather moderate group with foggy in-betweens.

the perpetual loudhailer: these people are masters at first impression. due to their bubbly and outgoing nature, they make friends with anyone and everyone. on first look, they are normally the kind of people we want to make friends with. however, this group of people might gravitate towards the impression of being attention seeking and overly hyper. they make fast friends but few are true friends. moreover, though they seem to happy on the surface, deep down, it's like a volcano bubbling, ready to spew out. these people are the most emotional people. (i have someone in mind. she who totally fits would be none other than *****). evil laughter.

the funny, quirky bunch: similarly, people would tend to like mingling around them because of their contagious laughter and their great (warp?) sense of humour. however, those who are extremely humourous would have another side to their character as well. they are more often than not, highly explosive. while they taunt people or joke around, they might not be as receptive to jokes played on themselves.

o well. was thinking through all this whilst i was trying desperately to sleep yesterday. goodness. the lightning was so beautiffoo. i'm so so so sad that i cant go for our class gathering because of eating too much junk food. and the doctor scolded me for not listening to him. oh wadever! this is MY life afterall. i wanna be on another sugar high again. shall go stuff myself with goodies. cya people.

a state of utter madness

2005-06-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

seems like i always rave about the same ole thing during holidays. PRESSURE! goodness! when i look at the amount of work i have yet to do, it's terrorising. yes mr homework and mrs home work and all the generations of children and little babies, stop glinting at me. i'm so sorry. all my days are packed with last minute sias and cca. driving me nuts.

things to do
: geog sia *loads* (song recording, lyrics, editing)
: cl sia *phew* (content page)
: cme sia (same as above)
:cl sia *badd* (i'm done with my part at least. YUMIN AIWEN SITING
: chem sia *screwed la*
: chem movie sia *screwed too*
: youth forum *wadever*

it's great to be kept busy, but its an ultimate nightmare when homework makes you crazy.
cheers! :) yinghui

a subtle kind of cold

2005-06-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

On the long forgotten path
Silhouettes afar
I pause
Trees like hidden sentries now stand astride.

Why does darkness loom
Tentacles sweeping through
Bush and grass
Through you and me alike

Grasping all warmth beneath
In this hour of solitude
I walk
The lonely cold within

enjoy:)
yinghui

testing

2005-06-20T01:41:00.000-07:00

testing...testing...testing..